Healthy communication

We communicate not only by speaking and listening.  We also give and receive messages in relationships through the tone and volume of our voices, through the expressions on our faces, and through our gestures and body language.  Good communication involves paying attention not only to what we say but to how and when we say it. It also involves trying to understand what other people are trying to say to us.  It helps to try and understand and express how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking and to try and listen to and understand how the other person is feeling and what they’re thinking.  Often trying to sense what is not said is helpful. In relationships, people can have different strongly held views. In healthy communication, people can express their viewpoint clearly while respecting the other’s viewpoint, and trying to find a way to compromise and accommodate differences.

Unhealthy communication

Adopting a stance of ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ – trying to ‘win’ an argument – will damage communication in relationships.  Giving somebody ‘the silent treatment’; blaming; criticising; belittling; insulting; being sarcastic; using abusive language; shouting – will only make the other person feel ignored or attacked and make it more likely that they will respond defensively or aggressively towards you.  Scowling or glaring at someone, muttering under your breath, using a hostile tone of voice, making hostile gestures and making passive-aggressive statements will also invite a defensive or aggressive response.

When Speaking

Make eye contact with the other person
Use a calm respectful tone of voice even when the other is angry or upset
Say what you think and feel about the issue as briefly as possible.  Stick to the point. Avoid ‘going on a rant’ or bringing up past rows.
Asking questions lets the other person know that you want to hear what they think or feel.  Ask open questions rather than ones with ‘yes-no’ answers.
Allow silence – it helps the other person to take in what you’ve said.

When listening

Maintain eye-contact
Use appropriate nods and sounds (uh-huh) to show you are listening
Allow the other person to speak without interruption – your turn to speak is next
Sum up what you have heard the other say and check if you have heard them correctly.  ‘What I hear is…is that it?’ ‘If I understand you correctly…’
If you’re not clear about what the other has said, or if how you’ve summed it up isn’t accurate give the other a chance to clarify it.
Pause to digest what you’ve heard before responding when it is your turn to speak.