Alcoholism is a disease which affects not only the alcoholic themselves but all family members. Children of alcoholics can be affected by the conflicts and communication problems between their parents. Children of alcoholics can experience neglect, conflict and abuse. This neglect increases when the non-alcoholic parent focuses their attention on coping with their alcoholic partner to the detriment of their child.
In families where one or other parent suffers from alcoholism parents anger and other emotions are often expressed in unhealthy ways, ranging from emotional withdrawal to angry outbursts or violence. Children learn what they see and, as adults, children of alcoholic parents can suffer from low self-esteem and can have difficulties expressing and regulating their own feelings and asserting their needs. This can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed or unable to cope. The hurt they experience can be expressed through aggressive behaviour, or numbed through alcohol or substance abuse, or through self-harming. This anger can be carried into their adulthood which often causes difficulties in their own adult relationships.
Many children of alcoholics suffer from anxiety, social phobias and panic in adulthood. In childhood, they may have taken on a parenting role and can continue this into adulthood by taking on too much responsibility for solving other people’s problems. Many children of alcoholics feel that they have to be perfect please their parents, and this can create high levels of self-criticism in adulthood. Often they have missed out on having the fun and carefree experiences of childhood, and on being supported in developing their own interests and friendships, and this can leave them with a deep sense of loss.
Counselling and psychotherapy can help adults to overcome childhood experiences of alcoholism by helping them to recognise and grieve their losses; to express their sense of anger and shame; to learn how to overcome feelings of anxiety, and to learn healthy ways of expressing their feelings and needs to their partners and families. If you recognise some of these experiences in your own life it may be helpful to seek support – the first step in beginning to care for yourself as an adult.