Healthy communication

We communicate not only by speaking and listening.  We also give and receive messages in relationships through the tone and volume of our voices, through the expressions on our faces, and through our gestures and body language.  Good communication involves paying attention not only to what we say but to how and when we say it. It also involves trying to understand what other people are trying to say to us.  It helps to try and understand and express how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking and to try and listen to and understand how the other person is feeling and what they’re thinking.  Often trying to sense what is not said is helpful. In relationships, people can have different strongly held views. In healthy communication, people can express their viewpoint clearly while respecting the other’s viewpoint, and trying to find a way to compromise and accommodate differences.

Unhealthy communication

Adopting a stance of ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ – trying to ‘win’ an argument – will damage communication in relationships.  Giving somebody ‘the silent treatment’; blaming; criticising; belittling; insulting; being sarcastic; using abusive language; shouting – will only make the other person feel ignored or attacked and make it more likely that they will respond defensively or aggressively towards you.  Scowling or glaring at someone, muttering under your breath, using a hostile tone of voice, making hostile gestures and making passive-aggressive statements will also invite a defensive or aggressive response.

When Speaking

Make eye contact with the other person
Use a calm respectful tone of voice even when the other is angry or upset
Say what you think and feel about the issue as briefly as possible.  Stick to the point. Avoid ‘going on a rant’ or bringing up past rows.
Asking questions lets the other person know that you want to hear what they think or feel.  Ask open questions rather than ones with ‘yes-no’ answers.
Allow silence – it helps the other person to take in what you’ve said.

When listening

Maintain eye-contact
Use appropriate nods and sounds (uh-huh) to show you are listening
Allow the other person to speak without interruption – your turn to speak is next
Sum up what you have heard the other say and check if you have heard them correctly.  ‘What I hear is…is that it?’ ‘If I understand you correctly…’
If you’re not clear about what the other has said, or if how you’ve summed it up isn’t accurate give the other a chance to clarify it.
Pause to digest what you’ve heard before responding when it is your turn to speak.

Alcoholism is a disease which affects not only the alcoholic themselves but all family members. Children of alcoholics can be affected by the conflicts and communication problems between their parents. Children of alcoholics can experience neglect, conflict and abuse. This neglect increases when the non-alcoholic parent focuses their attention on coping with their alcoholic partner to the detriment of their child.
In families where one or other parent suffers from alcoholism parents anger and other emotions are often expressed in unhealthy ways, ranging from emotional withdrawal to angry outbursts or violence. Children learn what they see and, as adults, children of alcoholic parents can suffer from low self-esteem and can have difficulties expressing and regulating their own feelings and asserting their needs. This can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed or unable to cope. The hurt they experience can be expressed through aggressive behaviour, or numbed through alcohol or substance abuse, or through self-harming. This anger can be carried into their adulthood which often causes difficulties in their own adult relationships.
Many children of alcoholics suffer from anxiety, social phobias and panic in adulthood. In childhood, they may have taken on a parenting role and can continue this into adulthood by taking on too much responsibility for solving other people’s problems. Many children of alcoholics feel that they have to be perfect please their parents, and this can create high levels of self-criticism in adulthood. Often they have missed out on having the fun and carefree experiences of childhood, and on being supported in developing their own interests and friendships, and this can leave them with a deep sense of loss.
Counselling and psychotherapy can help adults to overcome childhood experiences of alcoholism by helping them to recognise and grieve their losses; to express their sense of anger and shame; to learn how to overcome feelings of anxiety, and to learn healthy ways of expressing their feelings and needs to their partners and families. If you recognise some of these experiences in your own life it may be helpful to seek support – the first step in beginning to care for yourself as an adult.

Are there knots in your shoulder and neck muscles?  You may be holding tension in your body caused by stress.  Stress is a normal response to situations where we feel threatened in some way.  This can include physical threat, but also situations where we feel threatened or vulnerable because we are struggling to cope financially or emotionally.  If you are experiencing excessive stress that is making life difficult you may wish to explore the causes of it with a therapist.  One of the ways of managing the physical symptoms of stress is through Progressive Muscle Relaxation.  You can do this exercise for yourself by following this guide.  Take care not to strain your muscles during this exercise.

• Find a quiet place to sit, free from interruption.
• Place your feet on the floor…your hands loosely on your lap.
• Close your eyes…and take a number of slow deep breaths.
•  Starting with your right hand, make a really tight fist for 5 seconds…and then relax your hand.  It may help to silently say the words “tense” and “relax” as you do this, and throughout the following.
• Next, tense the muscles in your upper arm as if you were trying to lift a heavy object.  Hold this for 5 seconds and then relax the muscles. Repeat this for your left hand and arm.
•  Bring the palms of both hands together at chest height and push firmly for 5 seconds, noticing the tension in your chest…then relax.
• Curl the fingers of both hands around the other at chest height and pull firmly for 5 seconds…then relax.
• Tense the toes of your right foot, as if you were trying to pick up a pencil with your toes…hold for 5 seconds…and relax.
• Push downward on your right foot, while remaining seated, as if you were about to stand up…notice the tension this creates in your thigh muscles…then relax. Repeat this for your left foot and leg.
•  Notice any tension in your shoulders.  Exaggerate this tension by raising your shoulders upwards as far as you can.  Hold this for 5 seconds…and then relax.
• Pull your shoulders back as far as you can, as if you were pushing out your chest and pulling your shoulder blades together.  Again hold this for 5 seconds before relaxing.
• Notice any tension in your face.  Exaggerate this tension by making, in turn, a frown…raising your eyebrows…opening your mouth as if yawning…making a wide smile.  Then relax your facial muscles.
• Take a number of slow deep breaths…noticing any change in tension…and open your eyes.